Mackenzie: reflections on her experience

Prior to leaving Cape Town reach co-educator wrote a paper in response to the following questions: How do you expect the experiences and knowledge gained this semester to influence your future career and life choices?; What have your learned about race and gender that you believe is important for you to know as you strive to become a more well informed global citizen?; What have you learned about yourself that you believe is important for you to know?  

Mackenzie has agreed to post her answers as her final entry on this blog.

Honestly, it is going to be hard to put into words how influenced I have been by this semester. I have never been more grateful in my life as I am to have been accepted into this program. I know I can’t even fully see the changes in myself, and that they will truly blossom once I arrive back in my normal environment. However, I already feel the shifts within myself, and every moment here has been amazing. First off- aside from being in South Africa, being around this amazing group of my own fellow citizens has been probably one of the most life-changing experiences in my life thus far. I have never met people who have led me to question so much, who have taught me to self-reflect and to accept. These young adults chosen to come on this trip truly are unique, and I can say that with all of my heart. Each one of them has touched me in so many amazing ways. I learn even the smallest things about life from them, just from a simple conversation. I have learned what it is like to live and interact with people who are not the same as me – and that has affected me greatly. I grew comfortable with these new people, as we embarked on some uncomfortable experiences together. I learned to be patient with myself in opening up with these people. I learned who I was, and I’m so happy these individuals helped me to do that. Our classroom on Tuesday nights was, although long J, such a wild learning experience. Getting to see videos and learn about things that ACTUALLY matter has affected me greatly. I hate to knock UCONN, but I know I have spent many hours in classrooms in which I know I am learning things that will not matter to me later in life. But this class will stay with me forever. This class discusses issues that are so crucial to the bettering of this earth. Being in a space where we could learn, and then reflect, and then learn from each other was incredibly effective. Ideas that may have never crossed my mind were presented to me by my peers – I now fully understand why they are called my co-educators J. The class put us all on an even playing feel, often times that included Marita. We were learning from her, and she was learning from us – and it was beautiful. We respected each other, even when we disagreed.

Being at Christel House is something that is difficult to even begin to touch on. I fell in love with my students, and the staff. I am not sure how I am going to bring myself to leave, but I know that I am forever indebted to that school and the love it showed me. Watching my teacher, Ms. Angela, enthusiastically teach 30 5 year olds has been so motivating. The love she has for them inspires me, and reminds me of the wonderful people that exist on this earth. Amongst the bad things taking place in our world, here was a huge sighting of good. I learned that I did not want to be a social worker, I wanted to be a more nurturing role to these children. While a social worker does get to know children intimately, I observed that my teacher got to spend all day everyday with these kids – and that allowed her to be a more crucial role in their lives. It is something I am interested in, and will look into in the future. Career-wise, I have learned that I’m not entirely sure I am meant for one career – or a normal job. I have found some disagreement between myself and our current capitalist society. I’m sure all young people go through this, but I find myself (from much I have experienced on this trip) feeling as though I do not fit into the westernized society, and a lot of questions have gone through my mind. I have learned that there is no right or wrong way, and what seemed to be the right way of living fails to exist anymore in my mind. I have learned that what has showed to be the “natural” way of living has in fact been created, and because of this I am looking to my own heart and mind to dictate my life – as opposed to external sources. I have come to see that I become most anxious and stressed when I feel out of control in my life – and simply having the chance to observe this and acknowledge it has helped me a great deal. Being able to identify the source of stress is an incredible thing.

 Being in South Africa, surrounded by people who are not of my own race, has taught me to love and see all people for who they are. I am so in love with the children in my kindergarten class – I see them as young souls, as young lives. I have learned to acknowledge the beauty of their skin, while learning that it is not a barrier between us. From talking with my co-educators, I have learned a lot about fear of black people. I talked a bit with Mike about being afraid and cautious when you walk down the streets in the city here in Cape Town. To me, yes at times I am afraid, but I always feel that I would like to smile at everyone – to treat them as though they are not something to be feared. We then got into the discussion that some of these people are in fact criminals and may inflict harm on us. While I see that, I have learned that this is a sick cycle. If we continue to treat black people as criminals (even if some are) then we contribute to their actions – that may be negative. I think I would rather put myself in danger by waving or smiling at someone that “looks” suspicious if it would in any slight way give them the idea that they are a lovely human being – no matter what their actions or skin color. I have put the responsibility more so on myself, to change my own mind and behaviors, rather than looking to help unfortunate communities. I guess that sounds bad, but I really believe that if the root of the problem lies in white people – then that is where the fixing should begin. So I put it on myself to monitor my own thoughts and actions.  In terms of gender – I have learned a great deal in the classroom. From Disney movies to articles, I have much more respect and understanding for feminism than I did prior to this semester. I don’t think I understood it at first – but I realize there is a need to bring awareness to our society of the oppression of women. In places women think they are empowered, they are in fact not. I know many people I know are still blind to this and honestly would probably like to remain blind. That is a frustrating thing I have to deal with as I bring light to the oppression I’m receiving.

I touched on it earlier, but I have learned A LOT about myself through this program. The most important thing I have come to learn is to understand myself. I have spent so much time in my young life comparing what is going on inside of me to what “should” be going on. Our culture paints a picture of our lives for us and if what is truly going on doesn’t match up (which is almost always the case) then we suffer. I have suffered a great deal because of this fact. On the surface level, I recognize media’s impact on me. I used to suffer from an eating disorder, and I see now how a picture was painted of thin=happy. It is not the case. I am angered now that I know media’s ultimate purpose is to a.) get money from us and b.) distract us from things that truly matter and are going on in our country. I now feel less inclined to be a certain weight, to look pretty, to be SOMETHING for SOMEONE ELSE. I have learned to be truer to my own heart, and while I have a long way to go- its good to know I’ve gotten started. I have learned to think critically. That while it feels good to believe in something, it is important to keep questioning and keep an open mind for new opinions and perspectives to come through. I have learned to trust people, as I have developed close relationships with many people in this house. I have learned that I don’t like to be over committed, and while some may call that lazy, I happen to see it as kinder and practical (for myself). I have learned that the feeling inside me that something has been off can be justified by the fact that world that we live in is not natural and is growing to be bad for all. I have had the opportunity to be introduced to books like Ishmael and figures such as Noam Chomsky. I know that I have a lot of discovering to do but this trip has been such a great opportunity to see myself clearly. This trip provided me the space to be totally honest with my thoughts and opinions, and I am inspired to do more things like this in the future.