Mackenzie: a different experience of the excursion

Recently, we had a week off of our internships to be sent off on an excursion to the city of Johannesburg  and then a safari in Kruger National Park. The thought of being able to see big game in their natural habitat was an exciting one for me. However, I felt a background presence of anxiety within me. I was unsure what to do about this, and simply went about preparing for the trip. I woke up the next day for the trip, and still had a lingering anxiety. I felt less like myself than I had the entire trip. Unfortunately, I had to keep pushing through – as I had no choice in the matter. I found myself at museums through-out Jo’burg being unable to fully appreciate the information they contained. I even began to have trouble sleeping. It seemed that metaphorically I was on a bus that I couldn’t get off of and I did not have any control over. I didn’t realize why I felt so anxious – but at some point I realized that my lack of choice during the week of our excursion is what truly got to me. While I am seriously grateful that we had such an informative trip planned for us (meals included for the most part), I felt like I was in an odd position. I am a young adult, but the situation felt as though we were in high school. It wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, it just elicited truly odd feelings. I wasn’t sure how to react, but once I was able to understand myself – things became a bit easier to handle.

Our excursion was full of so much rich information about South Africa’s history, but I found myself learning so much about myself. It was so incredibly unexpected. I had the opportunity to be introspective. I was able to learn that I am particularly vulnerable in situations that I feel I have no choice. I began to notice this in other areas of my life, whether on the big or large scale. I learned its important for me to be honest with myself and to learn to distinguish between whether something is a choice of mine or an obligation. This trip was important for me in learning how important honesty and acceptance are. What gave me the most anxiety was that I felt like I should be completely appreciating all of this amazing history. I was at odds with what I was truly feeling and I wasn’t be honest with myself.

So at first although I was apprehensive about our excursion, I now see how valuable it was in helping me learn things about myself.