Feeling like myself again. It had been a long time since the last time I truly felt like myself, serene aware and so happy. It has been a long time that I felt inspired by life not action but life. Where I would wake up and feel free and finally released from the shackles that retain my heart and troubled past. All of this has been a reality that existed at home and here in Cape Town. The above by no means implies or even begins to allude to the idea that I am not happy here. This assumption would be false. Cape Town is amazing and I feel at home every day. I look at the mountain and seem to forget my stress. However, this trip is not a vacation, originally I was hoping for a place to run away to. I wanted to be away from “home” though often it does not feel this way. I wanted the total escape to leave all problems there. And to experience change, new and exciting concepts of life and the people. I was mainly hoping to find myself. I was hoping that she, who I had lost so long ago (this task was easy) could find herself in South Africa and finally willing to go back with me (much harder in application).
After a hectic week at the clinic I was exhausted. One doctor and 500 plus patients, I could only imagine how tired our doctor must have been. This week one of the weeks that I learned the most. I was aware of the reality of running a free clinic, the reality that both patients and staff must experience. I was in the center of impatience, frustration and chaos. Among all this I saw true human compassion, empathy and was reminded of purpose that was set to benefit the people, putting at risk of your own sanity. I am truly blessed to work in an environment filled with educators, a staff whose concern and devotion is to their patients. Admirable. I was filled with the feeling that I am doing something good. Most importantly, that I am not alone. That I could be a doctor that cares for and interacts with my patients and that such a breed still exist.
This joy that encompassed my heart was only further strengthened by a true feeling of “centered” and joy and laughter at its purest form. I felt free from my façade, my happy face on the outside while my heart weeps in solitude. I was free. I was so free that I swam in the stars. I was able for a short moment to leave my grounding presence and the suffocating surrounding that is the human form. Melted, integrated into the bright stars and within the Milky Way I floated. Rejuvenated and refreshed. I managed to see a small moment of myself. And with this the hope that after all these years I am still in there. The only task left is to find her. I have never felt so satisfied in my life. I watched the sky with total serenity not in search for the next best thing. The nights of the human rights weekend gave me the opportunity to enjoy, rather than wish for “something better”. I was so happy with my present state that I could not think of anything better.
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