Nicole feeling everything but guilt

Nicole reflecting on how she feels

Today in class we were asked to reflect on our experiences so far in Cape Town. We were told to think about our expectations and compare them to what we have actually witnessed. As I look back, I realize my expectations were many of the things I witnessed here at the surface. I knew there would both be poverty and beauty. I knew I would feel sad about the way people lived and also grateful for the way I lived. I knew I would feel out of my element. I thought about all of these things as separate, like I would experience them at different times. However, as I reflect on the way I feel now, I realized that I have the ability to feel all of these things at once, something I did not plan for. I also realized that many of these things that exist at the surface have so deeper roots than I even thought possible.

Coming into Cape Town I knew there were areas that were facing extreme poverty. When people asked me why I wanted to go to Africa, one of the major reasons was so that I could help. What I did not plan for, is witnessing a crisis that dates back hundreds of years ago. I see people on the streets and realize that they are there because of a system created to keep people politically and socially isolated, otherwise known as Apartheid. I witnessed people living in houses comparable to the size of my bedroom or smaller, because other governments used race as a way to solve their problems. In the early twentieth century, when the Dutch and English could not agree on the ways to govern Cape Town, they decided that together they could both have power if there were people below them to have power over. This started a very long period of people being moved from their homes and taking away their land. That way, they couldn’t work and couldn’t own their own money. When Apartheid was over, they were able to reconstruct the government, but not the economic aspect of Apartheid. This makes me so incredibly angry. Before I came, I thought it was so easy to donate or volunteer at a shelter and bring people happiness. But I realize now how much really goes in to determining the quality of life people will lead. It is frustrating to see such a large problem and so many people in need of help. But I know the knowledge I am gaining is what leads to problems being fixed.

While today I witnessed a man eat out of a garbage can, I also got to attend class at one of the most beautiful campuses I have ever seen. I got to climb the stairs to middle campus and look behind me and see the beautiful city of Cape Town and the colorful houses and the shining blue water. I looked the opposite way and saw Table Mountain, one of the Seven Natural Wonders of the World, and my heart feels like it is going to burst. I have never witnessed such natural beauty. Tomorrow I am going to Muizenberg beach, where the ocean stretches for miles and Table Mountain is once in view. I get to sink my toes in white sand and get to surf at one of the best beaches to learn to surf in the world.  Everywhere I walk there is a mountain. While the scenery is beautiful, so are the people. Many of the people I talk to care about how I am, and take the time to ask how my day is. Literally every person I encounter in the hallway of my internship at Vera School says hello to me. People I have just met remind me to be safe and care about my well-being. This is beyond any experience I have ever been through.

But then I walk home from school and come across three or four people who ask for money. I cannot grasp this. I cannot gaze into the horizon and then look someone in the eyes when I know they need money. I cannot fathom that the peacefulness I feel when I look at Table Mountain can happen in the same place where I witness the worst poverty I have ever seen. It just does not make sense. When I sit on the beach, I wonder if those who are unemployed or living in less than ideal conditions get to have the experiences I am having in their own city.

This overwhelming feeling of emotion is something I am not used to. I believed I could be happy and I believed I could be sad, but I have never experienced both emotions so intensely at the same time. So when I think back on my expectation, I never imagined they would blend together into this confused emotion I feel sometimes. Maybe I could call it guilt, but I don’t want to. Guilt implies that I am feeling sorry, but that is not the way I feel. I feel blessed, and I also feel inspired to give everyone the peacefulness I feel when I look at Table Mountain. I know this is not an easy task at hand, but if I could even help one person feel better about their situation, I would be doing something instead of sitting around feeling sorry that I have things that others don’t. This feeling I have never felt before is making me want to do things I have never done before, and I have never been more passionate about working and going out into the community and helping in ways that I know I can. I love children, so I am really determined to have an activist project in the townships with children after school. It may not be everything, but it is something and while I have mixed emotions I am grateful that my eyes have been opened. When I was talking to someone the other day from Cape Town, she described herself as living in a bubble and not really knowing anything about the townships, and said she wished she did. I could relate to feeling in a bubble; before this experience I was really not aware of the world around me. Sure, I volunteered as a Big Sister and at a homeless shelter, but I don’t get to see these peoples’ lives first hand. So as I sit here, staring at the mountain outside my house and feeling the emotions I feel, I realize my bubble has been popped for the better.

realizing her bubble has been popped---in a good way!