Amariliz: realizations keep coming

In my last blog I think that I mentioned that Africa is the beginning to the rest of my life. I mean in the context that I will never be a “home” body and exist close in the context of proximity to the people that I care about. I always struggle with the fact that to achieve my goals and dreams I will have to give up my family. I will have to give up the thousands of moments and connections that occur simply because I wasn’t there. This is exactly what being in South Africa has shown me. Here there is so much that they are not here to experience with me. And I know that in order for me to live this life. In order for me to exist in the here and now of my trip and eventually my future. I have to give up the experiences and shared moments that they have together.

And the realizations keep coming. Today my sister told me that my aunt died. At first I was just shocked. This is not my first death and I don’t actually know how to feel. How do I act? Did I know her that well? Am I allowed to be sad? How much pain and how many tears are valid and justified.

I feel guilt. Anger. To think that I haven’t seen her in years, at least two. To think that I wasn’t there, even when I was there (U.S). I have missed out on all the experiences of my family (the ones that live in Ecuador).  They didn’t get to watch me grow. And I did not get to know them.  I could just tell myself they are in a different country and circumstances don’t allow it. Is this a lie? And if they were in the country would we have grown together? No, somehow I have managed to miss out on the family that I have with me. And now I am in South Africa.  Now I am missing out on both. I can’t help but feel that same sense of guilt and depression that I felt after seeing my family in Ecuador for the first time in 13 years. Then leaving…

           

I think it’s fair to say that my experiences are my own. Is this something that I need to accept…..

How do I accomplish goals that seem to exist in conflict?